The Leaving Series I: Blood & Bone
by allekto
Summary: KaisukeDaiser-- meant initially as a parody, wound up being dark & serious. take the rating to heart. yaoi & stuff.


Notes: I had to have been high to write this… that's the only explanation. Re-reading it, I'm convinced- I was high. It was originally supposed to be a parody but wound up actually being serious. That's what happens when you listen to Peter Gabriel's new album too much, I guess. There was a lot of effort poured into this, and while it stalled _Shinwa_ for 3 weeks, I like to think it was worth it.

Warnings: this is hardcore- for me at least, there's yaoi (big shock, I'm sure), and it's just crazy!

Disclaimer: I don't own the show- and be glad because stuff like this would be happening. I don't own the song "Bring Me to Life"- that belongs to Evanescence, and they ROCK!

__

Blood & Bone

"Please," Daisuke whispered, his whole body was shaking in absolute fear. "You don't want to do this."

"Oh see, this is the part I love- where you try to get inside my head," the Kaiser chuckled. The sound coming from his throat was thick, heavy almost. "That's where you're wrong," he stepped closer to his captive, faces only centimeters apart. "I've wanted to do this from the moment I saw you." The Kaiser's tongue flicked out, tasting the skin on Daisuke's neck.

"Please stop," this time Dai's voice was firm. For all of his protesting, he found Ken had pressed a knife to his sternum. Not a truly effective threat, but a threat none the less. "Could you put the knife down, maybe?"

The Kaiser pulled back a bit, admiring the way the Chosen trembled in panic. "Why, my darling Daisuke… do you have something against knives?"

"Uh, kinda yeah." He swallowed trying to regain control of his mind, trying not to let fear overtake him.

"And why is that my precious, darling angel? Hmmm?" The Kaiser had lifted the blade and began to twirl it lazily in his hand. Metal flashed when the light caught it at just the right angle.

"Because they have a tendency to cut things." Daisuke's voice was a neutral as he could manage but his eyes were glued to that knife. There was no way of knowing what the Kaiser was going to do to him.

"Indeed they do," Ken hissed, slashing at his prisoner's clothing. The shirt ripped easily enough against the blade making him smile. Indigo eyes narrowed the slightest amount as he continued. "Now, where was I, my precious? Oh yes, I remember now…" Teeth fastened themselves on the skin covering the Chosen's collar bone, marking him, cutting him just as surely as the knife would have.

"For fuck's sake I asked you to stop!" Daisuke tried to struggle against his captor but found the body leaning against his to be a deadweight. Finally managing to push Ken off of him he shoved the other boy as far away as he could. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

The Kaiser was busy wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. Some of his prisoner's blood had leaked from his mouth. Stretching lazily he eyed Daisuke. "That is a very good question." Moving closer to the Digidestined again he gave another predatory smile. "Aside from the fact that I think you're probably the finest piece of ass I've ever seen and that I might be slightly psychotic… I don't think there's a problem."

Raising an eyebrow, Daisuke frowned. "Only slightly? Trust me, you're a whole lot psychotic. Only someone who is would kidnap me, lock me up, and then try to fuck the daylights out of me. You could've just asked me out you now. I would've said yes." Shaking his head at his unbelievable situation he winced and rubbed at his shoulder and noticed the blood on his arm when he pulled his hand away. Gingerly touching the wound on his clavicle, he sighed. "Why did you have to freaking bite me?"

The Kaiser simply stood there. Eyes widened at the boy's admission. It only took him seconds to recover. "Because you look so delicious. But, I've told you that before, haven't I?" Licking his lips he decided to venture closer once more to get another taste.

"Whoa," Daisuke held up a hand- as if it would actually ward off the great Digimon Kaiser. "Back the fuck up, Ichijouji." He noticed his opponent's curious look at the use of name and subsequent demand. "Dude, you fucking bit me! Do you have any idea how much this hurts? Not to mention that if I get an infection from this I am so going to kick your ass."

Ken just chuckled again and kept moving closer. "Now that is something I would pay to see."

"You won't have to pay for it, you'll get a great view of the action for free," Daisuke snarled. "And I meant what I said. Back the fuck up!"

A devilish smile appeared on Ken's face. "Action, eh?" Moving close enough to touch, he went for broke and pressed himself up against his captive. "What kind of action?"

Cinnamon eyes rolled. "You just don't give up, do you?" He sighed and tried to think while Ken kissed his face and lapped at the blood from his wound. "Tell you what…" Daisuke noticed the good Kaiser was not paying attention. "Um, could you stop licking me for just a minute?" When Ken complied he gave him a smile and continued. "Why don't you let me go-"

"Not fucking likely," the Kaiser snapped and pushed his opponent further back against the wall. Snapping his jaw at Daisuke, he smirked when the other boy looked frightened for a moment.

"Just hear me out. You let me go," Daisuke said gently, "I won't tell anyone about this. And you can come up to me in the human world and ask me on a date as Ken Ichijouji. Sound fair?"

The Kaiser thought about it for a moment, then nodded. "Fair enough. I'll let you go…" 

Daisuke breathed a sigh of relief.

"Once I'm done with you," the Kaiser grinned again and pulled Daisuke to him. "Tonight is going to be so much fun. I promise you that, my delicious bundle of blood and bones," Ken whispered into his prisoner's ear. His tongue traced along the Chosen's jaw, back down to the bite he had made only minutes before.

"Please," Daisuke whispered. He had no idea what to say. Or rather, he did, but saying it was going to be the difficult part. If he could simply connect his emotions to words… Gasping when Ken's tongue opened the wound a little more, he realized the Kaiser had not only bitten him, but had removed a piece of skin when he did so. "Ken, please," he tried again, voice hoarse but not husky. Daisuke was more afraid than anything else. Afraid of what was happening, afraid of the Kaiser, terrified of Ken… but he was much more afraid of what he was about to say…

"Why should I stop, Daisuke?" Ken's voice was nothing more than a smoky whisper against skin. A hot flush of breath that dampened Daisuke's neck making it difficult for him to focus.

Pulling himself together he had to close his eyes to say it. "Because I want this too. But not like this. Not here and not because you're the Kaiser and you want to dominate me. I want this… but I want to do it willingly." 

There was silence for a moment and then Daisuke opened his eyes as he felt the Kaiser's body pulling away. All the musk and warmth of hormonal insanity was pulled with him. Peering cautiously at the boy in front of him, he bit his lip and waited for a response. The Kaiser seemed to be taking his request seriously.

"Why do you think it would be any different if we were outside of this world?"

"Because you don't hold any power in the human world. Here you can conjure up anything you think of… but outside?" Daisuke shook his head. "Even if you wanted to hurt me it would take you a while to get all the necessary things to do it. Plus you're… different when you're out there." How could he explain it? Ken and the Kaiser were very different even if they were ultimately the same boy. 

"Different?" That comment caused his to raise an eyebrow. Still, he had to admit Daisuke had a legitimate point. He was very different when he was home, but only because he had to be. "If we do this, we'll still have to be alone together. How do you know I won't be exactly the way I am now when it all comes down to it?" Emphasizing his point he licked at Daisuke's neck again and began kissing along his jawline.

"Because, Ken, when it all comes down to it you just need to be with somebody. You need somebody there to make you feel whole, not just someone to fuck and throw away." Pausing he noticed the Kaiser had ceased all action. Reaching up, he ran a hand through the spiky, dark hair that crowned his enemy's head. "You're lonely, Ken. You need someone to love you. Someone who's willing to do things your way…"

__

How can you see into my eyes 

like open doors?

Leading you down into my core 

where I've become so numb.

Ken was shaking. Visibly. How had that boy known? How had he been clever enough to realize what he truly wanted? It irked him. Something was so off base about all of it. Mainly because he was angry with himself for not seeing the Chosen child's intelligence. Or maybe it was because he knew the boy was right. That bothered him more than he cared to think about. Choosing not to dwell on that fact, Ken paced in his bedroom.

After Daisuke had explained how he wanted things to… proceed, the two had parted ways. Ken said he would contact Dai when he was ready. They both had doubts, fears. What if the other Digidestined found out about it? What would happen then? Deep in his heart, Ken knew there was no worry on his end. But what of Daisuke? Was he afraid of the others?

Dimly, he could hear his mother calling to him. His parents were departing for the weekend. Visiting old friends, they said. He should be careful and remember to eat something, they said. And he was welcome to have guests, they said. So long as nothing was broken and no one got hurt. Ken laughed. What did they know anyway?

Only Daisuke really seemed to understand him. That boy understood what Ken needed. Desired more than anything. Companionship, ardor, lust, connection, fire, passion… Things that hid inside the Destined boy of courage and friendship. As the Kaiser he had seen it, and as Ken he had experienced it. When he heard the front door close he decided to leave his room and wander out into the main area of the apartment.

In the living room he eyed the telephone. To call or not to call? That was, indeed, the question of the hour. Well, his parents had said he could have a friend over. They said as long as no one got hurt… Part of him desperately wanted to obey- until the darker side of him snarled, retaliating that they were only figureheads of something known as a "family". Something he had never really cared for, or had once his brother had died. They had exploited his brother and they were exploiting his image as well. He had no use for their rules. Besides, they would be out of town for a few days. What better time would there be for him and Daisuke to begin on their little journey?

Grabbing the phone he dialed the number Motomiya had given him. Absently running a hand through his hair he caught himself and made a face of disgust. Only girls did things like that. Someone finally picked up on the other end- a very perky someone.

"Moshi, moshi! Motomiya Jun speaking!"

Ken fought off an urge to vomit. This girl was terminally perky. "May I speak with Daisuke, please?" He kept his tone even, quiet and hoped she would be unable to recognize it.

"Uh, sure. May I ask who's calling?"

He panicked for a moment. There was no way he was telling this bubbly bright girl his name. A wicked smile curved his lips. "It's Iori," he said simply. The youngest was the only one he could name. Ken knew of the girl's obsession with Yamato- everyone in Japan knew. Had he said his name was Takeru she would have immediately asked him a dozen questions.

"Sure," the cheerful voice was saying. "Hang on a sec!"

Ken leaned against the partition that separated the kitchen and living room. Idly studying his fingernails he could hear the muffled conversation on the other end. Jun was informing Daisuke that one of his friends was on the phone and the boy was being awfully belligerent about it. At long last, he heard a heaving sigh and then the golden voice…

"Hey Iori, it's Daisuke. What's up? And why the hell are you calling me? You guys never call me when you can use the D-terminals. What gives?"

He laughed a bit at that. "This isn't Iori," Ken replied, his voice smooth as glass. "It's Ken, actually."

Silence on the other end. There was a very quiet curse from Daisuke then, "What's up?" The tone was still casual, but laced with something Ken was at a loss to name.

"My parents have left town for the weekend- for four days, truthfully. They said I was welcome to invite friends over." He let his words dangle over the stretch of communication wire and space. Fiber optic space pulsed with the implication in his information. "Would you like to pay me a visit?"

More silence. Daisuke was probably stunned. "What? You mean you don't want to ask me out on an actual date?" Ken could all but hear the other boy glancing around for eavesdroppers. "I thought you wanted something more than just a casual fuck."

How could he be so blunt? But then, that was one of the many things about Motomiya that was so devastatingly attractive. "I do want more than that. Must I really do this?" Why bother with tiresome details if he knew the eventual outcome?

"You bet your fine ass you will! I'm not some toy you'll have at your beck and call." The voice dropped a bit lower. "Besides, we said we'd do this your way, but I know your way involves romance too, Ichijouji. So, don't try to fool me. Ask me nicely, dammit."

Ken smiled at his demand. Damn that boy's cleverness! "Motomiya Daisuke, would you like to come to my family's abode for a romantic weekend? Just the two of us, you know. There may be serious courting involved on my part. Are you sure you can handle that? I may just ask for you to be my boyfriend." Pausing a moment he let his smile seep into his voice, "Better?"

"Much." Daisuke was quiet for a moment, two more, a dozen more…

"Daisuke?" Surely he had been telling Ken the truth. He would never dare to pull a stunt like this on-

"You know I'll be there." Ken felt all the tension drain from his body. "I wouldn't miss this for anything, Ken. What time?"

__

Without a soul

my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold 

until you find it there and lead it back home.

Everything was prepared, now all he had to do was wait for Daisuke's arrival. Ken sighed. Waiting was something he had never been fond of. If that boy only had a computer at his fingertips he could have been with Ken already and they would probably be in the midst of the first of many rounds of…

The buzzer sounded. Daisuke was there. Ken sprang from his seat and let whoever it was in- knowing it was probably Dai, and hoping that it was not some hideous reporter or salesman. He guessed correctly. There was a hesitant knock on his door a few minutes later. Checking things one last time, he smirked at himself in the mirror before going to the door and throwing it open.

Motomiya stood there, eyes lit with something odd- an emotion that neither boy should have known at their age. He gave Ken a polite smile. "May I come in?"

Stepping back, he allowed the Chosen boy entrance. "You're late, you know. Ten minutes and fifty-five seconds late."

Slipping out of his shoes, Daisuke glanced back over his shoulder. "What do you plan to do about it?" The tone was daring, bold.

Ken felt his eyes widen for only a second, and then he growled low in his throat before lunging at Daisuke. "This," he hissed just before pressing his mouth to the Digidestined's. The kiss was filled with heat, with lust- and it was brief. Dai pushed the other boy away quickly.

"Slow it down, Ichijouji. I know you said your parents are out, but the way I see it, we've got nothing but time. If we rush things it won't be anywhere near as fun as it could be." He smiled at the Kaiser. There was an obvious frustration in those indigo eyes and it made the Chosen smile all the more. Teasing had such advantages. "You can ravage me later," he whispered into Ken's ear, licking it quickly before pulling away. At least he tried to pull away.

For his part, Ken tried to play fair. He really wanted to. In his heart, the Kaiser wanted nothing more than to woo the beautiful leader of the Digidestined and then take him to the bedroom and make him scream. However, the slightest tinge of breath across his skin threw any and all preconceived ideas right out the window. He grabbed Motomiya and pushed his back against the wall. "Just a little something to satisfy me until later," Ken said quietly, grinning. Leaning forward he kissed the other boy deeply and felt fire skitter across his nerves. Daisuke might have wanted to go slowly, but he had no qualms about responding to any advances that Ken happened to make in the meantime.

Everything from that point became hazy for Daisuke. He knew he was wedged against a wall, had been lifted off his feet, that Ken Ichijouji was pressing against him- between his legs no less, and that they were kissing wildly. All in all, the Destined boy was having quite a good time. Returning the feverish kiss with enthusiasm he wrapped his arms around the taller boy's neck. Mouths open, tongues charging at one another, bodies pressed tightly… quite an erotic display. When Ken shifted his focus to Daisuke's neck he fought an urge to moan, not wanting to give the other boy satisfaction. Of course, Ken could probably feel the erection his aggressiveness was causing.

When Ken finally pulled away, he was pleased to see the Motomiya was disappointed. "You wanted to go slow," he reminded. Stepping back he smiled then and sauntered off to the kitchen. "Would you like something to eat? We've got all kinds of-" A mouth closed over his own. Daisuke had caught up to him it seemed. Who knew what Ken's family had "all kinds of" at that point? Ken could not find it in himself to care all that much.

Daisuke pulled away for a moment to gaze at the Kaiser with heavy lidded eyes. "Fuck going slow," he muttered and dove in again. If they stalled any longer he thought he might die from need.

Pushing the eager Digidestined back a bit Ken smirked again- something that Daisuke found altogether sexy. "Such a wise choice of words, darling." Pulling the boy to him he ran his hands down Dai's back, breathed in the scent of his hair. "How do you want to start this? Work our way up to what I had initially planned?"

It took a lot of Daisuke's energy to surpress a shudder at Ken's words. Ultimately, he wanted what Ken had planned. He wanted it right then- but he would just have to wait. "That works,' he finally managed to answer. "Although, I'd rather just go to your bedroom if you don't mind."

The wicked smile Ken gave in reply said more than any words could have at that point.

__

(wake me up)

Wake me up inside

(I can't wake up)

Wake me up inside

(save me)

Call my name and save me from the dark

Sometime later they lay tangled together amidst a rumple of sheets. Arms and legs wound around one another they basked in the content sheen of afterglow. As Ken kissed his way across the fine line of Daisuke's shoulders he felt his blood boiling at how the other boy had screamed out his name. It felt as if someone had taken a power line and hooked it straight into his spinal cord. Every part of him felt alive when he had been inside of Motomiya. Every single blessed cell in his body had been humming with electricity.

Dai rolled over to look into Ken's eyes, finding it difficult. For the first time in his life he felt a touch of modesty, humility even. A flush spread over his cheeks as he looked down. He decided not to say anything at all, but instead snuggled closer to his bedmate. When he heard Ken chuckle a bit he pulled away again. "And just exactly what is so damn funny?"

"You're blushing," Ken answered, a twinkle in his eyes. "I just spent the past thirty to forty minutes exploring your every contour with both tongue and fingers and now you're blushing. After begging me to…" Daisuke slapped a hand over the other boy's mouth.

"I didn't say I could talk about it afterwards, now did I? Forgive me for having some shame." Rolling his eyes he removed his hand when Ken licked it and sat up. Throwing the sheets aside he got out of the bottom bunk bed and stretched. Perfectly aware that Ken was watching him with hungry eyes he made sure to put an extra sway in his step as he gathered his clothes. Pulling on his boxers, then his shorts he looked back at Ken when the other boy spoke.

"Why are you getting dressed? You know I'll only be stripping you down again later anyway." So confident that Kaiser was…

Once he finished buttoning and zipping his shorts, Daisuke strolled back to the bunk. Placing his hands on the frame for the top bed he leaned down, arcing his back in another stretch. "I'm not so much a fan of walking around nude. Even if you do want to have spontaneous sex everywhere in this apartment."

Ken merely raised an eyebrow. The boy had a point. Nodding he ushered Motomiya aside so he could find some clothes. Pulling on a pair on flannel pants and a shirt he choked when Dai spoke again.

"And you didn't get to every contour of my body with both fingers and tongue. Liar," the suggestive tone was not lost on the Kaiser. 

He felt a warm presence behind him, a pair of soft lips against his neck. "I'll get to it, don't worry."

Daisuke laughed a little- no more than a few exhalations of breath against the pale skin before him. "You promise?" Nipping at the skin a little and dared to lick Ken's neck a bit before pulling away. "Maybe we should switch places? You can see what it feels like."

Whirling around, Ken fixed the Chosen boy with a glare. "I'm the Kaiser," he hissed. "I don't get topped."

These words did nothing to push Daisuke off track. "Maybe in the Digital World you're the Kaiser, but out here you're just Ken. And Ken can get topped." He moved closer, hands drifting under the cotton shirt the taller boy had put on. "Ken can be tasted." Fingers traced patterns of fire across the Kaiser's torso. The heat in the room began to swell. Going for broke, Daisuke moved even closer and whispered against Ichijouji's mouth, "Ken can get fucked."

He almost passed out right then. He almost fell into Daisuke's arms and begged to be taken. He almost swooned like a complete fangirl. Almost. Being the Kaiser meant not giving in to the things that could almost happen. Giving Dai a quick kiss he smiled. "Not just now though. I think I need to eat something first." He went to move around the other boy and found himself trapped in a kiss… much like the one he had used to seduce Daisuke earlier. The hand under his shirt moved lower as the mouth attached to his diverted to his ear, then his neck. Ken moaned. Damn Motomiya- he had to play be the rules!

"What was that about later?" Daisuke grinned as he sank to his knees, pulling Ken's pants down with him.

Ken felt warmth, wetness, a quick suck. "Nothing," he whimpered. That electric feeling was back again.

"That's what I thought."

__

(wake me up)

Bid my blood to run

(I can't wake up)

Before I come undone

(save me)

Save me from the nothing I've become

Daisuke had turned the tables on the good Kaiser. Though the Digidestined boy had wanted every dark thing Ken had promised… it all went straight his head the moment he had Ichijouji at his mercy. The way the pale boy moaned and moved. The way he begged. It made every predatory instinct the Chosen boy had kick into high gear.

Moving up from his ministrations, he looked into hazy indigo eyes. "Ken?"

Swallowing a couple times, the Kaiser panted for a minute. "Yeah?"

"Where is it?"

His eyes widened. The small bag of party favors he had was intended to be used on Motomiya. But the idea of the Destined using them on him made him shake with need. It took him a moment to regain control and then speak. "Next to my desk," Ken whispered. Grabbing Daisuke again, he pulled him into another kiss and smiled when the other pulled away with a grin.

Daisuke's smile widened as he found the bag Ken had been referring to. A small gray, velvet bag tied off with rope. Pulling it open he delved inside and began removing certain items. The Kaiser's whip- of course, a set of scarves- what fun, candles, matches, and last- but never least- a Bowie knife. Removing the knife's leather casing he ran his finger along the edge hissing when it slipped a little and drew blood. Oh, Ken had gotten everything perfect- down to the last item.

Turning back to the bed, he gathered up his toys and went to rejoin the Kaiser. "Now," he began quietly, "how should we do this? Cuffs, scarves, or the whip?" The Digidestined boy was trembling with desire. This was what the Kaiser had promised him. This was Ken's end of the bargain. But neither had planned for this little twist.

"Scarves," Ken gasped, "and the knife." He instructed Motomiya on tying the knots so that his wrists were securely fastened to the metal bedframe. Closing his eyes he took a minute to enjoy the feeling of knowing that Daisuke was staring at him hungrily. Those cinnamon eyes were probably devouring him. Opening his own indigo eyes, Ken found that he was right.

The Chosen kissed his bedmate gently. "I can't believe you went straight for the knife." He chuckled and then kissed the pale boy again. "I think this would be better by candle light, don't you? Maybe some nice hot wax while I have you all tied up and at my mercy…"

Ken moaned. Every word Motomiya said was making him crazy. If he would only… "Just touch me already! Please!" The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them.

Daisuke glanced over at Ken from where he stood lighting a blood red candle. The look in those indigo eyes was so desperate, so wanton. "As my Kaiser wishes," he whispered. Moving back to the bed, he tipped the candle a little, letting wax fall onto the pale skin beneath. Everything after that came on instinct. As if he had been born for it, as if he had been waiting for the opportunity for his whole life.

Beyond words, far removed from everything else, Ken was reduced to wordless pleas, gasps, and cries. Every touch, every breath… He knew when Daisuke had stopped using candles and moved onto the knife. There was a flash of metal and then blissful pain- a small scarlet blossom of blood on his skin. Control was something he had long since abandoned. From the moment Motomiya had tied him down Ken had been nothing more than pulsing nerve endings. Every part of him felt so alive. If he had been anything before, it had only been a joke. This was where he was meant to be. He was made for moments with Daisuke. They were nothing without each other. Nothing.

When everything was over, they cradled one another, whispering together. This was not what the Kaiser had planned, but none of that mattered. Daisuke and Ken were too lost to care. They were happy… at long last. They were together by means of sex and blood. They belonged to one another.

__

Now that I know what I'm without

you can't just leave me.

Breathe into me and make me real

Bring me to life.

The rest of the weekend had flown by. After the first experience, they had calmed a bit. Hours went by where they only talked, slept or ate. Sex- though, it was wonderful- was something they experienced, but it was outweighed by the need to share. They opened, swallowed one another whole, revealed things that they had nearly forgotten about- secrets, fears, desires.

After Daisuke left, Ken felt empty. Not even the thought of going to the Digital World enticed him. It was a dangerous thought- he knew that. But, all he wanted was Motomiya. The Chosen of courage and friendship to be with him again. It was sickening almost. The Kaiser reduced to a helpless, quivering… _girl_ by that child! Part of him raged inside, but Ken only closed his eyes against the pain. There was a sharp piercing spot in his neck that he ignored. He was meant to conquer, but he found that he had been conquered instead. It simply was not fair.

His parents had returned and asked how the weekend was. The response he gave was bland, dulled. Daisuke was gone and without him, Ken felt lifeless. Thankfully, he had had enough sense to get rid of the sheets that had been on the bottom bunk. It would do no good to have his mother find blood stains- among other things- leftover from while she had been away. Moving through daily routines he felt half dead. It took him two days to fully regain his senses. Two days before he returned to his empire. Two very long days of missing Daisuke and knowing what it had felt like to scream, cry, laugh, and whisper the boy's name.

When he finally decided it was high time to return to his old hobbies, he found it that much harder to focus. Before when he had entered the Digital World he had been able to search, destroy, build, divide, and decimate anything he chose. With the thick laughter of the Digidestined in the back of his mind, Ken was fighting a different battle. The pain that had bothered him in the human world was making him nauseous as he sat on his throne. Trying so desperately so keep working, Ken was unable to stave off lingering images of Daisuke. And he found there was no way he could get any work done while thinking about the boy. He had only been in his empire for an hour and already he was losing control of things. Every spiral he designed fell to pieces. All the spires he erected crumbled in minutes. And then… lo and behold… a cluster of electronic signals appeared on one of his monitors. The Destined.

Ken felt his heart seize. If he could only reach the leader, pull him away from those god awful team-mates of his. He chose to call up their live action images on screen. Seeing him… seeing Daisuke made Ken's lungs constrict. This was not right. Something was all terribly, terribly wrong. There was no reason he should have felt like this. That boy meant nothing. Nothing!

But… seeing him with the others. Ken grimaced as he dimly recognized the first twinges of jealousy. The way Motomiya would glance at the Child of Light or even the Child of Hope from time to time. When he fought with the other girl- the one with glasses- how she had his full attention. Even the small one, the youngest of the group, garnered Daisuke's full interest. The Kaiser felt a painful flash of nerves in his chest and stomach. It hurt to see the boy, nevermind recall everything they had experienced only two days prior. For the first time since his whole campaign began, Ken realized just how lonely he truly was. He finally began to understand how badly he needed someone to be there- someone to share everything with. Not just some casual fuck. 

Closing his eyes in bitter resignation he turned away from the illuminated images before him. No, that was wrong. The Kaiser did not need anybody… But he knew he was only lying to himself. Motomiya had proven that when he had tied him up. When he had taken shameless advantage of his body. The body he had so willingly offered. Ken pulled off the glasses he wore and threw them aside. Worst of all, he felt so betrayed seeing Daisuke smiling with the other Chosen. Even though he knew there was no way the boy could have left the others behind for the simple sake of the Kaiser.

Resolving to settle the matter, Ken went out to find the one who tormented his mind so. It was only a brief stroll before he found him. Alone, no less. It seemed the team had decided that they could split up and get more work done that way. Destroy more of his precious spires. Of course, they never realized how easy it was for Ken to walk up, ambush, or even kill them when they did that. But, it was effective never the less. Even the Kaiser could not control so many separate attacks at once. Coughing, he fought an urge to grin when he saw Motomiya whirl around to face him.

The expression that started as a snarl softened within moments. "Ken?" Daisuke blinked at him. "Where are the glasses? I never see you here without those uglyass things."

"Except when I caught you before," the Kaiser replied. He still refused to smile. There were too many questions. "Daisuke?" Cautiously, he stepped closer noticing that his opponent's small digimon was watching them with absolute curiosity. Had the Chosen revealed his secret to his partner?

The Destined smiled gently and moved to meet Ken. Wrapping his arms around the figure draped in regal blue he gave him a quick kiss. "Hey, Ken." The words were quiet. There was a subtle glow in those cinnamon eyes. He could never make things easy could he?

The Kaiser leaned forward until their foreheads were pushed together. "Why haven't you called? I was beginning to think that maybe… maybe you…"

"That what, Ichijouji?" One gentle hand came up and stroked the Kaiser's cheek. "That I didn't want you anymore?"

When Ken nodded and had to bite his lip, Daisuke smiled. "I thought that I had done something wrong." Swallowing and not even daring to meet the other boy's eyes he asked, "Did I?"

The hand on Ken's face stopped its comforting motions and the Chosen pulled back a little. "No, Ken, you didn't do anything wrong. I'm just a little confused by all of this I guess." Daisuke leaned back in again and sighed. "We shouldn't be feeling this way you know."

The Kaiser at least had the grace to chuckle at bit at that one. "If we shouldn't be feeling this way, we certainly shouldn't have done… what we did." Stopping again he fought off the pain in his neck once more. Closing his eyes against the oncoming migraine he pushed forward a little more and whispered to his opponent. "And I want to do it again. And again, and again, and again if you'll let me." He opened his eyes finding everything too close to focus on. "Please, Daisuke," he breathed, "I need you."

Daisuke felt a shiver run up his spine at the words. The Kaiser admitting that he had a weakness. Oh it felt so good to be needed, to be desired- to be the sole person Ken wanted to see and taste and touch. "I need you too," he whispered just before pulling the other boy into a kiss.

__

Bring me to life. 

I've been living a lie

There's nothing inside. 

Bring me to life.

Somehow they had stumbled to the Kaiser's base after that. Daisuke, having some sane clarity left over, gave his digivice to Veemon and instructed his partner to head home and wait for him there. If the others had questions he would deal with them later.

"But how will you get home?" The digimon had blinked at the Chosen boy.

Glancing back over his shoulder, Daisuke had offered an enigmatic smile. "I'll find a way."

After that there was nothing coherent left, nothing normal. Certainly not anything two young boys should have done, or should have been doing. But they did it anyway. They cried, screamed, moaned, begged, shouted, and writhed as one creature. As if trying to crawl inside each other's skin. Needing to be joined as close as possible in order to reach completion.

When it was over, Ken began to sob and had curled into the protection of Daisuke's arms until he too began to cry. They cried for what seemed like hours, breaking now and again to try and speak or occasionally kiss. Finally settling down, Daisuke began to take stock of just what had happened.

Looking at his bedmate he winced a little. Tracing a mark on the pale flesh he murmured, "I hurt you."

Ken looked at the bruise his partner referred to. "It's nothing," he replied. "Besides, you know I don't mind. And it didn't hurt when you did it." Smirking just a bit, he cuddled closer. "You should see what I did to your back, anyway."

"Yeah, that stings a little." The Chosen winced as he stretched to try and brush a finger against his skin. It felt like Ken had torn him apart. Still, he believed it was worth it in the end. As Ken had said, the marks had not hurt when he caused them. The tender smile he had on his face faltered a little as his thoughts wandered. What would he tell the other Destined? "Ken?" He nudged the pale boy beside him. 

"Yes, darling?" It was name he only used when fulfilling the role of the Kaiser. Motomiya decided he liked it enough not to break him of the habit.

"Why?" The Chosen watched as his opponent pulled back to study him and then roll onto his back and press his hands over his eyes.

"Why what? Why am I the Kaiser? Why do I feel this way towards you? Why do we seem unable to be near each other without a chaperone? Why can I not get enough of you? Why do I keep doing the things I've been doing after all of this? Which one are you referring to?"

Daisuke thought for a while. "All of the above I guess. Though, I don't really mind, about us I mean. Just because I don't understand that doesn't mean I don't like it." Moving closer, he kissed the Kaiser's shoulder.

Ken had an answer prepared. He had thought about all of these questions for some time. The inexplicable need to rule over the Digital World and the consuming need for Motomiya… he had given both topics a lot of consideration. Only to find that all of his thoughts abandoned him in that moment. Because none of his logic was holding true. Indigo eyes filling with tears he tried to turn away from the other boy only to find himself trapped in an embrace, soothing hands turning him so that he was pressed closer to Daisuke's heart. His lips touched the delicate skin on the Chosen boy's torso and he began to sob again. "I don't know," he cried. "I just don't know."

Concern flickered through Daisuke's eyes, but he merely pulled Ken closer and held him until the tears ran dry.

__

Frozen inside without your touch,

without your love, darling.

Only you are the life among the dead.

Days later, Ken was reflecting once more on his favorite topic. Daisuke. Always Daisuke. Not even the temptation of being an emperor could sway his desire for the Chosen boy. Nothing seemed able to compete with his need. It made him feel weak, dependant, like a child. The Kaiser despised that feeling- he had been on his own since his brother had died. Ken gasped… Osamu… Shaking his head, the boy pushed away the blurred recollection and focused again on the present. He needed Daisuke and all the comfort his touch brought.

But Daisuke was away on a family trip. The Digidestined seemed to have noticed that the good Kaiser was slacking off on his duties and had deemed it safe for everyone to take some time off. One of them would patrol the Digital World every day just to be sure, but all in all, things would be okay. Ken was disgusted with himself at how right they were. There was nothing he felt like doing in the Digital World anymore. There was nothing he felt like doing- period. Not without Daisuke. 

The cold shell of Ken's heart was beginning to crack. It made him uncomfortable to admit it. But somehow, some way Motomiya had gotten inside. When Ken had closed himself off from the world and thought it impossible to have connection with anyone ever again, Motomiya was there. That boy had infected him like some sort of disease. A virus that was slowly but surely consuming his mind and every waking hour with a burning need to… But no, the Motomiya family had decided that it had been too long since their last family vacation. There had been a desperate phone call from Daisuke when that had happened. Soft words whispering over telecom wires that they would be separated for a few days.

A few days? No that felt like a small eternity to Ken. Of course, at that thought his own reflexes had kicked in, reminding him about the properties of space and time and how eternity was synonymous with infinite. There was no such thing in existence as a small eternity. Barring all internal debates he still thought it felt like forever before Daisuke would return. He even resorted to asking the Chosen if he needed someone to watch over his digimon for him. Anything to have some piece of Motomiya nearby. 

It had taken a great deal of coaxing, but even Daisuke had noticed how different Ken was at that point. His own digimon was no longer quite so neglected and abused. Though the Kaiser would have been hard pressed to admit it, he often found solace in holding the small creature close to abate his loneliness- especially when he could not have Daisuke beside him to warm his blood. Ultimately, the Destined of courage and friendship had conceded to this arrangement under strict penalty of no sex for a month and possible death if his digimon came to any harm under Ken's care. Chibimon, on the other hand, was ecstatic at the idea of spending time with Minomon.

The two small creatures delighted in comforting one another while Ken waited for Daisuke to return from wherever it was his family had gone. In the back of his mind, the boy knew but he simply could not summon the strength to care enough and recall all the details. The only thing he could feel was emptiness and the bitter cold normally reserved for his alter ego. His thoughts were confused at the very least. Without the other boy to balance him, Ken found that fantasies of torture and bloodshed were becoming a common occurrence. When it started to happen at school he began to panic. Where was Daisuke? There was no one else he could talk to.

At the end of four days, Ken had locked himself in his room and started seriously contemplating a permanent relocation to the Digital World. There, at least, he would never be causing any real lasting damage. After all, it was only a game and he was the ultimate player. Just as he held a shaking hand to his computer the phone rang and a voice shouted to him that his friend was on the phone. "Daisuke…"

Running out to where his mother was waiting for his response, Ken actually smiled at the woman before taking his call. "Daisuke?"

There was a quiet laugh at the other end. "Hey, Ken. So, um, I faked sick so that we could come home early. There's something wrong."

He had no idea how right he was. Swallowing away his fear, Ken whispered, "What do you mean?"

Uncomfortable silence greeted his question. Daisuke seemed to be thinking. "It hurts being away from you for this long. I mean… I started seeing shit and stuff, Ken. Being away from you is making me crazy. I can't do it and I don't know why and it's scaring the hell out of me."

"I know what you mean. Not about the hallucinations though, you might want to see a doctor about those." Ichijouji smiled briefly. "But I can't concentrate on anything without you here. Do you have any idea how many problems that creates for me?"

"Oh, 'cause it's just a fucking picnic for me, Ken?"

"All right," he agreed. "We seem to have developed both emotional and physical needs to be with one another. This does prove a bit awkward, Dai. How do you propose we deal with this?" Leaning against the wall, Ken made sure his voice was low enough that his parents would not hear his conversation.

"Ok, that was, like, the creepiest thing ever. Don't do that again." There was a hard edge to Motomiya's voice that had not been there moments before.

"Do what? I'm afraid I don't understand you."

"Do you always have to be so clinical about life when discussing personal issues? You sound like some kind of robot or something. If I didn't know better, I would think I was talking to a zombie. You sound dead, Ken." Daisuke paused and lowered his voice only half hoping the boy on the other end was unable to hear him. "I don't like it when you do that."

Ken was silent for a few minutes. The boy was right. In any situation that dealt with problem solving his brain seemed to shut off all emotional functions and run solely from a logical standpoint. Even Ken had to admit that it was eerie. "I'll try not to do that then, Daisuke. Look, why don't you come spend the night here? We can talk about things."

"Can't. I faked sick remember? Come visit me or something- bring soup to make it look official if you want, I don't care. But we've got to get around this, Ken. This is fucking me up hardcore."

Smiling to himself, Ken replied, "You just want free food. And I'm going to need directions."

__

All of this sight

I can't believe I couldn't see

Kept in the dark

but you were there in front of me

The train ride to Odaiba proved to be one of the dullest experiences of Ken's life. At least it gave him some time to think though. He had barely remembered to grab both digimon on his way out the door in his complete haste to see Daisuke. Too many things were clamoring for his attention for him to really step back and look at the bigger picture. Not only was the pain in his neck starting to verge on intolerable, but there were flashes of… something. Like bits of a lost dream that kept running through his mind. Something about lights, cars, and something else about water. But the water was wrong. 

Eyebrows knit in concentration, he tried to think. Some part of him seemed to be slipping away into this union with Daisuke. He was still unsure if he approved or not. The only thing it made him certain of was that he had not been quite as "in control" as he thought. His attachment to the other boy had multiplied much too quickly and almost overnight. That was definitely abnormal. Not that anything they had done could be defined as normal anyway. Still, it bothered Ken that he was willing to go wherever necessary to be near Daisuke. Not even with him, simply near him. Close enough to watch and know that he was still alive.

As the subway neared a stop, Ken looked out into the world and saw gray clouds collecting in the sky. People were moving listlessly about the train station. Watching all the life, all the people, the very proof of existence all he wanted was to get moving again. The only thing Ken needed at that point was to see Daisuke. Whether it was for his own validation, the Chosen's, or for some outside purpose he had yet to determine. Motomiya had been correct in saying that things were out of hand. None of it made sense. So many things about it were contradictory with one another. Nevermind being enemies or even boys. None of that mattered to the Kaiser. But they were so young. In essence, they were only children. How could they be feeling the way they did? Why did they understand something that it seemed so many adults were unable to grasp? What was it that held them so tightly to one another?

Shaking his head, Ken hoped to clear his vision and was instead treated to more flashing collections of lights, cars, and dark water. Wait a minute… dark water? Trying to focus only brought on another headache. Muttering to himself, the boy decided when his brain thought he was ready to comprehend, then he guessed he would know what it was. It seemed familiar, as though he should have an emotional connection with it somehow. But the reasons remained elusive. Looking up again he saw he was one stop from his destination. A tiny smile graced his lips. Just that one more stop and he would hopefully get some answers. Although, part of him significantly doubted Daisuke knew the reasons behind their fate. After all, he had said he was as confused as the other boy. 

However, there was something to that that made Ken think Motomiya was hiding. There was some extra secret waiting to be discovered there. The Digidestined were renown for their group spirit- he had seen that often enough when they destroyed his work. Yet, according to prophecy and legend, the first group- the one that spawned the nauseating Children of Hope and Light- had been closer knit. This second group seemed at odds with one another. Only five of them, yet each was unique in their own way. Those small differentials seemed to cause a dramatic change. Perhaps it was because group two had to live up to not one, but two crests. Ken snarled- crests. What did they know about crests? A dark part of him whispered that they could never understand. Crests were merely a lie, no more than a sick joke brought to wretched life in a futile game. Ken liked a good game, but this one was becoming tiresome. And his opponents just as much, if not more so. 

They looked down on him for what he had done. Thinking the worst of the Kaiser they called him a murderer and a despot. An obstinate boy he might have been, but he had not killed anything. Something that was never alive at the beginning could not die in the end. Falling into a darker mood he plotted and planned for the first time in days. Sitting on the train, waiting for that final stop, Ken mentally reviewed his ideas for conquest. He took no notice of the fact that the pain in his neck had ceased the moment his thoughts dripped with blood. 

In a reflexive motion, he got off the train and headed out of the station. Not until he was standing on the sidewalk watching the sea of people did Ken stop to wonder about his mood swing. Reaching in his pocket for the directions he had been given, the boy paused for a moment gasping as he thought. Daisuke would have had a fit if he knew what Ken had been thinking of doing only ninety seconds before. Another thing to worry about. Did that mean there were two pieces of him at war with each other? Light and dark- forever trying to persuade him to be good or evil. No, that made no sense. Rationally he was only one person and every human had the same characteristics for good and evil within them. Ken knew, he had done an entire project on the matter. Mathematics was not his only strong suit. 

Muffled sounds emitted from the backpack slung over one of Ken's shoulders. The two digimon were feeling light headed from the lack of fresh oxygen. Just something else for Ken to pile on his list. Trudging towards Daisuke, he sighed and told the two creatures they were almost at their destination. The building itself stood before him, a stark monument to reality and the fact that the Motomiya family lived on the twenty-third floor. As he continued, Ken noted that the elevator was miraculously slow. When he reached the twentieth floor though, he felt it. First waves of something pushed through his chest into his stomach. Not nervousness, something else… A magnetic pull almost. Watching the numbers rise on the lit display, Ken felt his eyes widen. It simply could not be true. The closer he got to Daisuke, the more he felt the attraction. If being apart felt like it was going to drive him mad, this sensation left him feeling starved. As though he had been deprived of food and drink for days but tantalized by others. Like a ravenous wolf. And he could feel out his sheep- the prey was an all too easy mark.

Lifting a hand, he knocked on the door. When Daisuke answered the dark haired boy spared a few seconds to glance around and listen carefully to the noise coming form within the apartment. No other souls seemed to be paying attention save the two digimon still in his bag. He decided to take a risk and stepped forward to kiss the Destined that stood before him. Within moments of contact they were lost. Something greater than any force of good or evil, light or dark was working on this union. That one kiss made them both aware of it. But it was not enough to make them stop. It was only through supreme amounts of self-control that they pulled apart long enough for a brief exchange of words.

"Your family home or did they abandon the sick child?" Ken smirked a bit and Daisuke simply raised an eyebrow.

"They wanted to keep having fun and I assured them I wasn't dying. In fact, I told them someone was stopping by with soup for me." Stepping back further he pulled the Kaiser along and shut the front door. "I made sure they were gone before you got here and I know they'll be gone for a few hours yet."

Tilting his head, Ken let a mischievous smile play about his lips then. "Are you trying to imply something?"

In reply, Daisuke shoved Ken back against the door and kissed him fiercely. When he pulled away it was his turn to smirk. "No, I'm saying that we can get kinky now or later. It depends on how badly you think we need to talk beforehand."

Pretending to think about it for a moment, he could see the anticipation in the cinnamon eyes. Not only that, Ken found he could not escape with a lie- his own body was reacting eagerly and rapidly. Switching gears he chose to be logical. "As much as I want to say 'sex first, talk later,' I don't think we should. Given that that's what seems to have caused all our problems."

Making a face, the Destined boy ushered his guest to his room anyway. "Trust you to take all the flavor out of an illicit meeting." Fully expecting a witty remark he was shocked when there was no response. "Ken?"

"I think that might be my biggest problem," he said quietly, kneeling down to finally let the two digimon loose only to see that they had fallen asleep. At least, he assumed they were asleep and not unconscious from lack of fresh air. 

"What's your biggest problem?" Daisuke sat on his bed and watched as the boy who would be Kaiser tried to elaborate.

"You… the way you feel about me as opposed to them." No need to clarify the group mentioned, they both knew. "Like I'm some sort of dirty secret."

"Um, Ken," the Chosen said hesitantly, "I hate to break it to you, but you are the enemy. That kinda makes it a dirty secret."

"And what if I don't want it to be?" His response was immediate. After so much time apart they should have been overjoyed to be reunited. But something still hung between them. "What would you do if I told them? Deny the truth? Would you do that Daisuke? Would you deny me?"

That one knocked him back. Motomiya sat thinking. Trust Ken to make the conversation deep right off the bat. "No," he said finally. "I wouldn't deny it. But somehow I think your way of telling them wouldn't be the same as mine. Running into a battle screaming we've slept together just seems to lack some tact, you know?" Even the Kaiser had to snicker at that.

"Oh no," Ken shook his head. "I was just going to make a banner or two hundred and hang them all over the Digital World." Something in him forced him to make the conversation serious again. "What would you do though, Daisuke?" It was so quiet in the room that Ken had to wonder if he had slipped into a vacuum or if he had drifted to sleep. "I mean, I'm darkness and evil and destruction and we…" He sighed.

"We shouldn't have done what we did, Ken." The words hit so hard it was like being plunged into frigid water. A fist of ice seized the Digidestined's heart. Nothing like this was ever easy. When the Kaiser looked up and nodded in agreement it simply broke Daisuke's heart. "We're too young, we're supposed to be fighting against each other, we can't keep going this way. Someone will get hurt."

How did he always know just what to say? Was there some invisible billboard beyond Ken's sight that was broadcasting his feelings? "Exactly," he agreed quietly. "But that doesn't mean I want to let go of you."

"I can't let go of you," Daisuke whispered before backing away. Whatever it was between them though, it was not enough. He had the distinct feeling that somehow they would only end up hurting one another more if they followed their present path. "It hurts, Ken," he said, voice hushed. And he finally had to turn away. Because despite their affair and what had previously occurred, letting the Digital Kaiser see him cry made Motomiya queasy. The tears seemed to speak of a depth to his longing that he was unwilling to admit. "It just hurts so much." A pair of pale, soft hands soothed his shoulders.

"I know it hurts," Ken whispered, face crushed against the side of the other boy's. "I told you earlier that it was hurting me too. But I don't know what to do. For once in my life I don't have an answer, Dai. Do you have any idea how much that scares me?" When the boy in his grip shook his head, the Kaiser pulled him closer. "I always know what to do, Daisuke. What to say, how to act- it all comes naturally to me. But with this… with you… I've never loved anyone like this before."

"And what makes you think I have, Ken?" Bittersweet pain colored the question. For Daisuke it was a matter of making the right decision in the face of adversity, but for Ken it seemed to be a quest to uncover the truth about himself. It left the Chosen boy wondering who was worse off.

__

I've been sleeping a 1000 years it seems.

I've got to open my eyes to everything.

Without a thought

Without a voice

Without a soul

Sometime later, while Daisuke was eating his soup and the boys had reverted to small talk the phone rang. Once the Digidestined left the table, Ken felt a weight settling onto his shoulders again. The boy was so alive. How could Ken capture that and use it himself? Not that he wanted to drain the life energy out of Motomiya; just that he wanted to be that happy. Even hearing the boy's voice in the background infected the Kaiser with a joy, an innocence that only youth could have. But they were neither innocent nor joyful. The thought made his eyes fill.

"That was just my family," Daisuke wandered back to the table to sit. "They just wanted to call and let me know they'll be out for a while longer. I told them a friend brought me soup as promised," his voice faded away as he studied Ken. "Are you crying?"

"No," wiping his nose the boy stubbornly refused to acknowledge the emotion. His voice was shaking and his hands were trembling as well. But before Motomiya could comfort him he stood up and brushed him off. "I'm fine, Daisuke. I'm fine. Just finish your soup." Directing his gaze out of the window in the next room, Ken calmed himself. He was beginning to notice the flashes of pain in his neck as they faded in and out of existence with every emotional outburst. Then those fragmented memories were haunting him as well. When the other boy spoke, Ken realized he had missed it entirely. "What?" He turned back to see Daisuke rinsing out the container the soup had been in.

"I asked what you were thinking about that made you look so sad." There was a stubborn bit of grease from the soup after it had congealed a bit. Giving up, he simply filled the container with water and waited for an answer. The sound of rushing water filled the empty space. "Well?"

Ken turned away again. "I have these gaps in my memory." The words came out choppy, hesitant. This was the Kaiser… admitting he had a weakness, a _flaw_. It made him disgusted with himself. "And there's this pain…" Arms folded defiantly in place he tried to think of a way to explain it. "I get these headaches every time I try to remember things. Or when… or after I've seen you. Every time I'm near you this pain in my neck flares and I don't know why. And with the pain there's the pieces of memory. It all feels like something important." He stopped when he noticed his eyes had filled again.

"And you don't know why?" Daisuke decided he would risk moving closer. The other boy's face had dropped and was hidden behind a curtain of hair that Motomiya had to brush aside. "When did it start?"

He could have asked anything else. No, he had to ask the one question Ken had no desire to answer. Still, he answered knowing that if he refused the Chosen would get the information one way or another. "When I first saw you." Biting his bottom lip he looked up seeing the raw, open hurt on Daisuke's face. "I'm sorry," his voice was thick.

Trying to smile, Dai only shook his head. "It's not your fault, Ken. Really." But if the Kaiser was not at fault, then who was? For Daisuke it was one thing to know it hurt being away from Ken, but it was an entirely different matter to learn that he caused the other boy actual, physical pain. Pain that was tangible, pain that was making Ken question everything he knew. This information struck a chord somewhere in Motomiya that made him nod and fight off tears. 

"If I knew why," the Kaiser struggled and dropped his head again. "I've asked Wormmon about it, and he won't tell me. He says I threatened him the last time he tried. Apparently it was an effective threat if he's still so frightened of me." A watery smile accompanied the words. 

"Hey," he tilted the Kaiser's face upwards again. "Ken, I'll help you. You know I will. But-"

"It means we've got to stop everything. I know." He smiled, a mere thinning of his lips. "I'm just not sure if I want to trade one thing for the other."

Daisuke leaned forward and kissed Ken's forehead. He was beginning to understand things better. From the first moment the Kaiser had seen him? Apparently the good Kaiser had felt a lot of things. "I'll still help you, Ken. After all, I love you and it looks like I might be part of all this anyway. No matter how much I wish this could work it just isn't going to." That small admission killed something in him. For all of their differences, the epic battles and whatever else, he loved Ken. Daisuke loved him. With all of his heart. But he would destroy him if he stayed with him.

Tears slipped down the Kaiser's lily-white cheek when the Chosen kissed him. "We could make it work," he insisted. "I can live with the headaches. I can live with not knowing some things. But I can't…" _I can't live without you_. The words remained unspoken.

"How, Ken? How could this ever work?" As much as Daisuke wanted to fight for love, he accepted that certain changes were vital for he and Ken to remain together. "It can't," he whispered. "You know it can't. Even if we need each other so badly, we'll only end up hurt in the end."

Ken nodded. His heart was beginning to ache more than his neck and it seemed neither would be remedied. Daisuke could help him, he knew that. Motomiya would make sure he got better and then… Then what? They could never live happily ever after. Their lives were not fairy tales and they were not princes. He knew what Dai was hinting at by saying he was a part of everything. It made sense, but not the kind of sense the Kaiser wanted. In that one moment, he would have traded everything in his possession just to keep Daisuke. But even that would not bring them happiness. The Chosen was right, their relationship was wrought on destruction and it could only birth more. How could it be so easy for him though? How could Motomiya walk away, just like that? He only nodded again, lost in thought.

"Ken, I love you," Daisuke pulled the other boy into an embrace. Ken was still silent. When he finally pulled away it took every measure of both courage and friendship Motomiya had to not kiss the pain out of those flooding indigo eyes.

Stepping away from Daisuke's embrace, Ken just kept nodding and walked to the door. He pulled on his shoes. The joints in his body were stiff and the pain in his neck and head nearly intolerable. Straightening, he looked the Destined in the eye and smiled gently, painfully. All too quickly the smile dissolved as Ken watched the Chosen boy open the door for him with a bleak expression. The sadness in Motomiya's eyes was as real as his own. Stepping outside again, he turned somewhat and looked over his shoulder. "I love you too," he said quietly as Daisuke closed the door.

Ken had to run to the elevator. Something was trying to get out of his chest. Something was waiting to burst from his lungs. As the metal doors were sliding closed he could hear animated chatter as a group of people stepped out of the other elevator. Bright, cheerful… he recognized the sounds. The family Motomiya. The doors closed against their happiness and somewhere between the twenty-third and fifteenth floors Ken hit the emergency button. Against the far wall, he slid to the floor and began to cry. He cried for a while, until a service worker found him. The man only asked what was wrong with the elevator and scolded the boy for stopping it. Once out on the street, Ken let his feet direct him towards the beach where he sat on the sand. He remained there and cried, trying so hard to make all the pain stop.

__

Don't let me die here

There must be something wrong.

Bring me to life.

Time passed. Somewhere in the days, Ken noticed the pain began to recede. He started to hurt a little less, and started to live a little more. Daisuke had been kind enough to return Wormmon whom the Kaiser had carelessly forgotten in his haste so many days past. He had been in such a rush to get away from the Motomiya boy that he had forgotten all about his digimon. At least the creature had no memory of what had happened since he had been asleep.

Months went by and the Digidestined seemed to fight with renewed vigor. Their strength finally gained in uniting completely. Somehow, the five had managed to find common ground. They defeated the Kaiser in the end and left him to his misery. Ken's memories flooded him as if a dam had burst. The death of his brother, the blame he placed upon himself for the accident, and his subsequent retreat into emotional isolation came back to him. Not that he wanted them once they returned. Ken decided it had been better when he had been in the dark about such things. 

His family was miraculous in accepting his return and apologies for his behavior. The Ichijouji's had a long discussion about Ken's needs and about how he felt towards his parents. The truth about his disgust with their exploitation of both him and Osamu was revealed. It was agreed that Ken would go into therapy, and it was not long after that he was put on medication. Something about the idea of having to take a pill every day for the remainder of his life frightened him. Still, he took them. Because he knew what he was like without medication and that was much scarier. At least he got along better with his family. An honesty existed between Ken and his parents that had previously been buried.

His days were spent going to school, to soccer- except on Tuesdays when he had therapy, and completing his assignments. But every day Ken would wonder. Thoughts would overwhelm him. Fantasies about what would have happened if he had stayed at Daisuke's that day. What would have happened if he had pushed for Motomiya to hold on? What would have happened if he had held on instead of running away? Courage was not something he lacked, but it was obviously not his domain. The Digital World had certainly seen to that. Though Ken felt so ashamed of what crest had been bestowed upon him. He remembered Wormmon telling him what he had earned years ago. Had tried to explain to him that even with all of his guilt, all of his shame, he was still a human and he was still full of compassion. The crest had not come to him though. Kindness had abandoned him until the moment when he would absolutely need it the most. Ken found it impossible to believe that the small, pink rectangle, adorned with a simple flower design could possibly be his most coveted trait. There was nothing in his heart but cruelty and despair. When would he learn the value of what he truly was?

He cried frequently and kept to himself most of the time. It stunned him when he heard stories drifting around his school about his disappearance. They thought he had been kidnapped, or brainwashed, or held at gunpoint. None of the students believed Ken Ichijouji had gone anywhere of his own volition. He chuckled at the thought. If only they knew. Then there was another story drifting amidst the sea of students. A boy, who wore a ridiculous looking pair of goggles, was rumored to have been loitering outside the school. No one knew who he was looking for or why he was there. Quite obviously he was not meant to be a student- just look at his absurd taste in clothing! But the stories persisted and eventually grew as, it seemed, the boy had been asking about one Ken Ichijouji. Finally, one day as Ken left class he saw who it was the rumor mill had been focused on for so long. Choosing to ignore all flashes of emotion he felt Ken ignored the presence until it was impossible.

Motomiya had waited patiently, every day, until it seemed he grew frustrated with the former Kaiser and finally cornered him after school one day. "You know, you're hard to track down when you don't want to be found, Ken."

Smoothing out his gray school jacket, he grimaced. "You said yourself I didn't want to be found, Motomiya." The words were harsh. Much more scathing than Ken had intended them to be.

Raising an eyebrow, Daisuke only shook his head in response to the verbal onslaught. "So it's going to be like that between us, eh?" Grabbing the other boy firmly by the shoulders, he planted a kiss on his mouth.

The fire he remembered was still there. No matter how hard he had tried, Ken had been unable to forget what it felt like. Pushing Daisuke away he spluttered incoherently for a moment. "What if someone had seen?"

Hands on hips, a ridiculous grin on his face, the Destined laughed. "Don't even try to tell me that's what you were thinking about just now."

"Well, no but-"

"Good," Motomiya stepped forward again, kissing with more passion than before. They fell into each other, and Ken noticed none of the darker concerns loomed anymore. Apparently, the Chosen noticed it too. "I take it you figured out what was bothering you?"

Ken nodded. It felt so right- standing there, Daisuke's arms around him, the energy between them restored. "Yes, I dealt with it."

"But… I sense there's a 'but' coming," Motomiya held his breath. It had been a gamble going so far, that much was certain.

"I need more time, Daisuke," indigo eyes searched, looking for understanding. "And I don't know how long it will take. I mean, I don't know if we can ever-" A hand covered Ken's mouth.

Daisuke nodded. "I understand, Ken." Of course, it still hurt. Not matter how well he knew the reasons or choices the pain was still enough to bring tears to his eyes. "I'll go then." He swallowed and removed his hand, wishing he could kiss him one last time. Fingers trembling, he traced the line of Ken's dark hair against his face.

The former Kaiser felt his eyes swelling with tears. But at least Dai understood. He would always understand, and, of course, he would always be waiting, wouldn't he? "I'll try," Ken managed to say. "I'll really try for you."

Motomiya smiled and it was still sad. "Don't do things for me, Ken." That last lingering touch faded between them as his hand dropped and he turned to walk away. "I'll see you around sometime, then." Hand firmly in his pockets he kept moving until he was sure he was far enough away. Looking back, he saw Ken still staring after him. The boy in the gray school uniform was nothing more than a speck against the lines of the city that blurred together when Daisuke finally began to cry.

*************

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